This post has the best United Memes and great advice if you are looking to destroy your digital marketing efforts. I spend a lot of time convincing big brands that they need to use digital marketing to increase revenue and brand awareness. However some brands really insist on not doing digital marketing right or not doing it at all. So I’ve decided to take sometime to give some advice to anyone who really wants to do some terrible digital marketing.
1.Don’t Do SEO
SEO works so let’s not do any SEO. Who wants website traffic, revenue and new customers anyway. What you really need to do is block your site from being indexed on Google. This will ensure that that stupid SEO stuff will not help make you money. Remove your site from search engines by placing this code on the head section of the page. <head> /head>
<META NAME="ROBOTS" CONTENT="NOINDEX, NOFOLLOW">
If you have a Word Press site you can push this button to de-index your site. Come on you know you want to do. Oh and contact me when you do this so we can celebrate. Drinks on me because you will be poor!
2.Don’t Do Content Marketing
Content Marketing like SEO is proven to work so let’s not do any of this. In fact you should just be as salesy as possible and try and annoy your potential customers into buying your products. Put prices on everything and hire a used car salesman to sell your products. It doesn’t matter if he knows nothing about your product or your customer. If he can sell a used car that smells like someone took a $hit in it and then stoped loving it; he can sell anything. Better yet put him in an expensive TV commercial. Make sure you spend your entire marketing budget and then some on the TV spot. Don’t worry about how you can make it work in digital because you are not looking for results. You want a big shiny TV commercial. You’re going for broke!
3.Don’t Do UX
UX has been proven to increase conversions, sales, leads and mobile performance. This is because you create a wonderful user experience for your potential customers. So let’s not do any of this UX crap. It’s your website and app so who cares if its a good experience to anyone else. These nosey people should be minding their business and not checking out your products and services. They should just care about the expensive commercial you just made. Here is how to make sure your site is not user friendly at all. Make sure your website copy uses small font size, in a strange font, preferably highlighted.
WelcØme tô Θur website.
They will never come back to your site. Your sites bounce rate will be 125% out of 100% which is impossible but you are that good. If they do come back hit them with this. Put ads every where, make sure your website is not responsive and mobile friendly, use interstitial to make sure they know you want them to download your app and send them emails regardless if they want them or not. Make sure there is no way to opt out and do the same thing for push notifications. Then push notification the $hit out of them. When their phone vibrates and they think is bae looking to NetFlix and Chill. Wrong it’s going to be you pushing some stuff they don’t want. When it vibrates again and they think it’s their friends looking to make brunch plans. Wrong! It’s you again pushing the same stuff they just told you they didn’t want. You’re staying consistent, not taking no for an answer and you are following the sage advice of the prophets Salt and Pepper. “You Pushing it Real Good!”
4. Don’t Do Social Media
Social media has been proven to turn brands into overnight sensations. In Social you can do so much like viral videos, memes, direct engagement with your customers. But let’s not do any of this because the Likeing, sharing, commenting and reacting is so annoying. Who cares about how your customers feel. It’s your product and you like it just the way it is. Who needs their feedback.
As a matter of fact you should do like Pepsi and show them how your product solves all the problems people keep crying about. You got sold into slavery after war broke out in your country. All good stay hydrated while you work drink a Pepsi! Cops just beat you up and broke your jaw. All good drink a Pepsi with a straw. You are a woman and get harassed everyday and make less money than your dumb male counter parts. All good you can still afford a Pepsi.
Better yet you should just start acting like United Airlines and show your customers who is boss. That’s not his seat that’s your seat. You own the damn plane. How dare him! #Security! You want to see social? Give him three guards, drag him by two arms and he will have one big reason to never take your seat again. He will be anti-social when you are done with him.
Top 8 United Memes
As a matter of fact here are the top 8 United Memes to give you some inspiration. Please take some detailed notes and add this to the ways you can destroy your digital marketing strategy.
Your customers want options give them some.
Customers need some extra accommodations. They better be ready to bleed for them.
Customers want comfort. Throw them some sparring gear then Mike Tyson them. #nightnight
4.App Updates: Drag and Drop Feature
Customers want more app features? Next you should roll out the Ground and Pound.
5. New Gangsta Rap Motto
Customers have to understand that your motto comes Straight Outta Compton on the gangsta rap tip. That gutter Trap / Drill music. I’ll start you off.
If we need the seating,
You’ll get a beating,
Drag you off the plane and leave you leaking,
Ruin your vacation plans, Honey Moon, Business Trip and your weekend,
6. Hunger Games: Volunteers
Your customers want to recline? Recline them right into the hospital.
8. Fight Club
You know the rules. Your first day at Fight Club you have to fight.
9. Mouth Guard
This goes perfectly with the head gear. Now your customers can’t say you don’t do anything for them.
Digital marketing works but who needs it. Ignore your customers and when you run out of patiences with them just beat them up like United. Also just stick to the old way of doing things and you will make history like all the Block Busters of the world.